window nude

window nude
Originally uploaded by blueriverdream

testing some things with how the interwebz are connected. Trying to change my paradigm. Some naked and a window from Chris Ryan ( in color!) http://www.modelmayhem.com/christopherryan

Who inspires you the most?

in my life: the boy
in history: Anne Sullivan

Ask me anything

good times

The boy just turned 26. Good times were had. His sister visited from Boston. We watched the finale of Lost. She hadn't seen anything since the first season so was amusingly confused. Tho she followed along surprisingly well and enjoyed it as well as any fan. I received a "happy last day of Lost" phone call from a MT friend and we caught up on the last 6 months of events. Of which there have been many in both of our lives. I've got my desktop computer hooked up in the new house. Which means I've settled in. I love the screen (a 22" HP) and have the stereo set up for Pandora streaming again. Hello photoshop and real keyboard. To celebrate i delved into the images from my K100 taken when it was new/used but new to me. These were from the first series of snaps the boy took with it and the old manual lens from my k1000 that i used while i saved up for the (usual) kit lens. Just us playing around.

sometimes a tree falls on your house

Ok been due an update here for forever. Lots has happened online and in the real world to this naked girl. I last visited here with an angsty, emotional post about my difficulty in maintaining casual relationships. This will be a much more expository entry. I promise. There's way too much ground to cover to go off on emotional tangents however inevitable they are when I get to self reflecting.

In the modeling area:

I'm modeling trade for time only with photographers I've worked with previously. My reasoning (not that i feel the need to justify this choice, just i like to clarify) is that the second, third, fourth, and so on sessions with a photographer are sequentially better. Less time is "wasted" getting to know eachother. And if social time is indulged in, it's leisurely and enjoyably comfortable. The communication flows better. Neither party is as hesitant to make remarks or express opinions about the process. ( the photographer is almost always better at directing me towards his/her vision the second time since they're no longer feeling out my boundaries and know what to expect from me/my body. ) Also, since I'm an occasional model I really only have time to work with a few people. I'd like to build on the good relationships I've already formed. I love working with these people, and to keep it fun it's gotta be on my terms. (keeping the hair, lets play messy, put up with my dorky banter) There are many who contacted me in the past year or or so and we just never were able to make it work time wise or personality via e-banter just didn't click. I'll go through the old emails as ideas/time frees up. But really if you want me to make time, you have to make it worth my while. I'm not expensive; I don't have rates, just rent to pay.

I've had a few shoots since getting back from Florida as the great snowmagedon wound down. I worked with Stephen Carroll and L S Photography. (neither of whom I've gotten back to about images) My behind was in a gallery show courtesy of Rahul/ Eye of Ra .

I did another workshop with Stan Goldstein and Valerie Whitaker. All of my sessions were full. I'm sure it had something to do with the girl on girl action set i did with Brynn Cook. I'd wanted to do a two girl set for a long time. In my head it was a quest for a more art nude series of images. These were pretty foxy and definitely pushed at the edges of whatever it is that people mean when they say "edgy, sexy, yet tasteful." There was the requisite lipstick on my boobs and her boobs and my bum and her bum. I enjoyed the session very much, tho it did cross the line of what i'm comfortable with in a shooting environment. Photographers if you're wondering, you always get what you pay for at Stan's workshops. And Models, he pays fairly and encourages playfulness, safety, and tipping.

In the online arena:

You can now sorta stalk me on Twitter @blueriverdreams (don't forget the 's' at the end there) I'm not super active but that's where my not safe for mom tweets are tooted from.

You can also ask me anything at Formspring.me, blueriverdream , as always. Why you would want to is beyond me. But hey, i'll have fun answering random questions.

I'm activating my Flickr account and engaging in a personal history excavation. The goal is to get ALL finished images up there; Everything I ever got back from a photographer with permission to post. Very few images will be held back. My personal ideas about art and quality be damned. Yep sorta giving up on the personal web site. I believe in utilizing the internets.

I'm pretty much done with OMP and simply left my profile up there as a place holder. It's a rusty hook dangling in shallow shadeless water off a broken pier. So don't take it seriously folks, just go to one of the other half dozen places you can contact me on the internet.

Also, in bringing naked and nerdy-ness to new personal level: I am a playdate on Game Crush , AprilRyan is the name.

In the up coming modeling plans:

I've got a still active casting call on MM. I'm looking for an adventurous and resourceful photographer who either knows of some wild berry patches, has berry farmer contacts, or a Costco membership. I'm in search of a messy shoot involving berries and nakedness. Preferably art/fine art nudes. I know most of my responses are going to be people who think i want to do a naked on the farm shoot. Nope not interested. I'm interested in eating berries naked, rolling in them, squishing them, and making a damn mess. I will travel for this. I will/can drive for this. Ohio, Pennsylvania, anywhere in VA. This search and my picky -ness surrounding it have already confused a few and possibly offended others.

I'll be modeling for Eye of Ra's Expose Yourself To Art project. It'll be cool, it'll be fun, it'll be big! Ask him about it.

Stan and Valerie are having another workshop in June (5th and 6th) I'll be modeling on Saturday

this time. Other than another two girl shoot, I suspect i'll have limited unless there is further interest. I'll be modeling with Kallia and I hear there'll be a bed this time! :) Like i said, not my usual bag of tricks, but i do like boobs.

In the offline-nonmodeling life happenings:

I now have a drivers license. That means when I have access to a vehicle I can drive it. All by myself, like a grownup. And since our move, I've been driving a lot. Also getting horribly lost a couple times.

Re: the move. A tree fell on the house we were renting. It was bad. The roof was crushed into the house. You could see sky from the kitchen, the living-room, the hall closet, and the study/3rd bedroom. The attic and brick walls saved us from bodily damage. The cats, and dog were shaken but fine. We moved out of obvious necessity. Not an experience i'd ever like to repeat. We had just returned from a trip to celebrate passover w/new family. It was crazy windy out and branches were falling in the yard and I was talking with my dad about my concern over the branches. His reassurance was to tell me that all I needed to worry about was one of the big Tulip Poplars from the neighboring property falling on us. Of course that then happened while we were talking about the unlikeliness of it happening that night. It was terrifying. Apparently, I had a good store of karma built up because nearly nothing was damaged. ( of our personal property) Plus we've got really good renters insurance. Video here:

Still Local in Falls Church, so no panicking. We may move again since the lease is up for re-signing come June. Any one in NOVA looking to live with a naked girl? We need a roommate.

Well that's all folks. The photo at the top is by rrebold MM# really long at the last workshop with Stan and Valerie down at Studio 400 in Lorton.

ve

Innate

Photos are by Kollin Bliss

I can't move them for some reason. They just want to sit here. I tried several times deleting and reloading em. Anyways e-mail goodies for the sharing!

From Merriam-Webster Online (first Google result): Innate

1 : existing in, belonging to, or determined by factors present in an individual from birth

2 : belonging to the essential nature of something

3 : originating in or derived from the mind or the constitution of the intellect rather than from experience

Ironically (?) the google ad was for a website about birth defects.

You may wanna skip to the end now since this post is the result of a week long simmer. For those who wonder, it has nothing to do with the boy. He is one of the few who is immune.

I have an innate inability to participate in the ego stroking that is a part of building and maintaining a friendship. Most would call it warm pleasantries. The occasions when i do push my qualms aside and offer the words or gestures being sought rather than my own true reactions, I can not do so honestly. I do know that part of what "friends do" is lie to each other when needed. Think abut that tho. You want someone to lie to you? It happens more often than you'd like to admit to yourself. I already have self issues. Knowing that people are more likely to lie to me than honestly offer their opinions only makes it worse. I do not believe that saying something nice when there is nothing of substance to say is a positive thing. I also do not build friendships on a foundation of attraction; Horrible idea. That's not a friendship it's a search for a weak moment with ulterior motives. I get the only wanting what you ask for and not wanting unsolicited opinions or thoughts. But when you are soliciting, you better be specific around me or you'll get what i smell. If you really need to hear something specific from me, do tell and I'll be much warmer when approached honestly. I am quick to bristle and often don't hesitate to snap. But I am honest. I promise to always be honest with you, myself and everything. If you can't handle honesty back the fuck off. I am not generous with warm proddings and ego strokes because i am offended to be expected to give them like currency for attention. I worry that the expectation of such is a reflection of my own actions. Do i come across as needing that much (that kind even) attention? Does my admission of enjoying being seen incriminate me as being desperate for any and all attention from those who like to look? I shy away from those with fragile egos because i won't be able to placate their needs. Call it laziness, but i don't have the energy to spare for that.

Again, old words and old thoughts

Jester

destruction

carelessness

you their child

The jester of my.

You weave a web in silver moonlight.

invisible,

ethereal,

powerful

You are my stupidity

my protection

my confusion

my selfishness

my innocence

formspring.me

What's the must have item you took to any photo shoot you've done?

Hm, mot sure i understand the question. I'm guessing you mean: what is the most useful item I've ever brought to a photo shoot? Or what do i bring to every photo shoot?

The most useful item i've brought to most photo shoots has been my hair brush. I have long hair and it tangles easily so should be brushed smooth between sets or even frames. I haven't brought that to ALL my shoots though because sometimes when you're in the woods, you're in the woods without a hairbrush. The other things i usually have with me are a snack and/or beverage, a knife, hair stick/ scrunchie, and a sonic screw driver (just in case). As a nude model I try to bring as little to shoots as possible. If i don't bring it I won't be asked to wear it. I'll bring makeup to studio shoots and will only wear it for location shoots if a) I'm being paid to or b) the photographer asked me really nicely to wear some.

Ask me anything

In Florida for January

My dad used to tell me, "as much as you read, I don't understand how your spelling can be so bad." Januaray Feburary March April May June July August September October November December Doesn't look that bad to me. What's reading got to do with spelling anyway? I'm self conscious about my words, spelling, writing and communication in general. Especially now that how you choose to communicate and to whom on different scales. I initially misspelled 'January'in the title up there. It bugged me but I couldn't place my mind on the part that was messed up. Firefox doesn't grab the text in blogger title boxes just the main body down here.

Anyways, I'm in Florida for the month. No naked tho. I'm caring for my grandfather. He's got stage 4 Parkinson's and I volunteered to take a shift. I was really scared about this trip. I'm still feeling things out. Tho i've crossed a couple of my self psyche out lines and am fine. Firstly there is the whole i don't trust myself with the care of anything. Ie. I burn water and kill plants with neglect. 4 Days in and meds have been mostly on schedule. It's the spacing and meal times (accounting for protein absorption; hello alcohol server training?) that make the math difficult. Then there's the driving. Anyone who knows me for real knows that I don't have a license and am quite terrified of driving. This was true until December 28th. I got my real live drivers license. Not sure how but, like the boy said whatever i did it worked, and i should keep doing it every time i drive. Apparently being scared of your own driving makes you a not so bad driver. Enough so that the kinda attractive tester person smiles at you and gives your papers to the registrar lady skipping the pass/fail baskets. (Which really confused me) Then there's how many people have dark places in their lives and generally these are associations with events or people or personal choices. Florida is my literal and figurative dark place. I love Florida and it has many beautiful memories. I love the trees; the old arching Live Oaks draped in tangles of Spanish moss. (ironically an alien parasite) I love the water; the rivers are my inspiration for so many dreams and thoughts. The springs are magic places. (road trip idea: skinny dipping in as many springs as we can find in a week. Takers... anyone?) I love the history of the state. I love the food and the diversity. (for such a small state hells yeah) Actually the people here are depressing. Crazy and bigoted and horrible to each other and themselves. Which is a great lead in to why i hate florida and will only ever visit. But bleh not here, now.

My dad took care of my grandmother the last 4 years of her life. She had Alzheimer's and Parkinson's together which made the two nearly impossible to treat effectively. Basically we lived in the woods so no one else could hear her. I helped if i could mostly i couldn't. Mostly i was just there. Nobody should ever have to witness complete insanity. Especially in a loved one. I'm pretty sure that was my worst nightmare, so that would mean my new worst nightmare would be reliving that in anyway with anyone else. Thankfully, my granddad is completely here, now, and whole in that regard. My selfish thoughts there quieted.

So what gives? why all this babbling? Because there is no boy here with me to be my ongoing thought sounding board. I'm getting bottled up with a need to spill forth words. Words just aimlessly scattered about annoy me so I have to organize them into little lines and put periods at the end of most of them to stop the lines. I used to do this on paper in a book with pretty pictures made from things i found. I've been moving around too much to properly collect and the things i have been collecting are bigger and more 3-d than they used to be. I write letters and never send them. I write letters and delete them immediately after finishing them. I don't have anyone I wish to write to at the moment. I don't have anyone I want to talk to about something that i can't . .. Hm that's a bit of a lie. It was pointed out recently to me that having this space for self expression (and reflection even) is an enviable fact. I've been typing up these trains of thought on the hard drive of my new isty bitsy on the go laptop. Sadly there is MAC filtering on the wireless here and no one seems to remember how to add a new computer to the network. Or even the router's password. (been changed from default already tried k thnx)So I am using a sorta communal laptop perched in the living room. (I'm going through boob withdrawal) I may get some paste in bits from those other recent evening rambles. Basically tune out for the rest of the month since unless something pops up in my inbox no more photos. I guess I could put fotos of other people in here. No editing software so i'm loath to put any of my recent snaps up even. All you get is words!!!

radio waves to the universe

Happy solstice everyone. Yes it was a couple hours ago. Still it's the thought right? I was busy drowning my shame of the Redskins.

I'll be naked in front of a camera tomorrow! Bout damn time. Is naked an addiction?
photo is by mmk60

couple videos for viewing musts:
Remember powers of 10? This is um newer, trippier? Just watch it:


Also I did the twitter thing for like 36 hours or so. I did gain something out of it. A brilliant bit I would have missed otherwise I'm sure. I hum it all day now.

Cirque du Soleil Favorites

In thanks and inspiration to iMonstrosity's post earlier today (yesterday now) I'm sharing the two acts i've found in my internet rambles to be ... well... the most sensual and damn sexy circus acts ever. Really check out her post. The Aerial Straps from Varekai are number 3 on my list.

something new and something old

I went back to Reston recently for a shoot with a new photographer. See him on Flickr MM and DA

Be wary the following is full of angst. I'm prone to it.

7/27/05

I go down to the lake at night barefoot in my dreams

The water stills me.
I watch, feel, dream.
Seeking to shrink down into not-being and then up again beyond

Watching trees as they…show me a thing I do not see
Then through the trees… out to flatness and light.
a star
it moves
becomes a satellite
turns away
disappears

I close my eyes; everything disappears.
I am on the river my bluedream River.
I whisper to her. I’m sorry for not visiting I am here now.
floating in the waves
washed away by the crickets.
I float up, flowing, feeling tugged like the ocean by the moon.
Breathing no words the water of the lake stills me and I feel.

This is why I go down to the lake at night barefoot and in dreams.









All images are by Stephen Carroll 2009